Matthew Pendergast

May 3^rd 2016

The Deluded Dream

For centuries the American ideology has been “The Land of the Free,” with freedom of speech, religion, and voting, accompanied with equal opportunity in school, work, and society. This ideology is appealing at best, but it is just a myth; equal opportunity does not exist for everyone in America today. By equal opportunity I am referring to the most basic definition, which means that all members of society are given equal chances to enter any occupation or social class. Our country was said to be founded on equality from the time the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776, which declared all men are created equal. However, the Declaration itself is a contradiction, after it was signed women still had no rights and African Americans were still enslaved. Although much has changed since 1776, inequality is still prevalent. We do not live in a society in which each person can rise to the status allowed by his or her potential; factors such as race, and social status truly determine one’s social mobility and success.

Due to the enslavement of African Americans, there is a significant economic gap between the middle class and the underclass among African Americans in our country. Our country treated them as property for so long they were never able to attain property of their own to make a life for themselves and their future generations. Shortly after the Civil War ended our government put into place the Southern Homestead Act, to compensate for the mistreatment of the slaves during this time. This act entitled each former slave to forty acres of land and a mule to start a new life for themselves, (Library of Congress) however, not every former slave received this. One can only imagine the current state of the black and white affairs if our government had actually gone through with this act correctly, our country today would be much different. Race is a determining factor of social success; because our country has mistreated African Americans throughout history, they have never bounced back from this injustice and as a result; the majority of the black community still struggles today.

America has the reputation for being a place to start over, to become whatever one desires, to have ultimate freedom to be whatever you set your mind to. However this is not the case for most people born into poverty. One may think they can become a doctor or lawyer if they work hard enough; this is an attainable goal for some, but not everyone can be doctors and lawyers. Most jobs that offer entry into the upper class require an immense amount of schooling only granted to those who can afford it, and in most cases college students already come from wealthy backgrounds. It is shocking how much a college education determines ones success, but at the same time it is such an unattainable goal for lower class teenagers and families. In our country today the rich continues to gain wealth, while the poor continues to suffer, which overtime, reinforces this caste system. In future generation’s impoverished kids will not be given a chance to display their talents and successfully function to their full potential because this caste system will hold them back from flourishing.

Our nation has passively observed the fatal problems of inequality for centuries now, and none has addressed these issues properly and resolved them. Part of the reason why inequality has gone on for so long in our country is because many individuals are so self absorbed they cannot see the  long-term consequences of the system in which they live. We are so used to seeing things through our self centered view point that we don’t even realize we are being so selfish. We will be slaves to our cultural vices until we are able to wake up from our default narcissistic setting.

In our country today, factors such as race, and social status till influence an individual’s social and economical success. The American  Dream is a illusion, equal opportunity does not exist for everyone. Economic inequality is the reason our country is locked into a caste system. In order to constitute a change it is a matter of changing each individual’s outlook on society as well as government institutional changes too. If changes are not made this inequality will lead to a loss of freedom within society as a whole. We will become a society in which people end up as the kind of individuals who are too enclosed in their lives to actively participate in self-government, instead they will stay at home and enjoy the satisfactions of their own lives. The American dream is a dead dream.  We must make changes in to our current unjust caste system or our political liberty will be threatened.

Depression is a disease that I have personally suffered with a large majority of my life. I’ve never been able to target the reasons behind why I feel the way I do, sometimes I think it’s all in my head, sometimes I think it’s more than that. My father and grandfather suffer with depression and is a big reason why I believe I feel that way. But something like this can’t be all genetics right? The glass has always been half empty in my mind, even when I feel I should be happy. I have a family that cares for me, friends and my health, but ive never truly been able to look at it from that perspective.

I first started noticing this rather young summer of 8^th grade going into highschool. I didn’t have a ton of friends and always felt very anxious and didn’t have alot self-confidence. I found it hard starting high school because of constant verbal altercations between my mother and I. I was such a brat at that age, my mom didn’t deserve any of the attitudes I gave her. I fell behind in school quickly because I would play video games constantly and not put effort into school. As my grades became lower the altercations at home became worse. I started smoking pot, everyone was just getting into it and it was definitely something “cool” to do. I had felt sadness at this age a lot but I never thought much of it, I always thought I just hated school and my mom. I always wished I would’ve noticed my problems around now maybe to make my life a little easier.

By the time sophomore year rolled around I was a full blown pot head. Nobody could tell me anything and I only cared about my opinion. I became egotistical and always was the center of attention, I would always care so much about stupid stuff like clothes and looking at girls. Its safe to say that my grades were not good also. I never felt happy, I was miserable if I wasn’t high playing xbox nothing mattered to me. I really started to notice that I felt depressed, I never showed it though. Being lonely and smoking pot definitely contributed to how I felt. I always thought a girlfriend would be the thing to make me happy. Boy oh boy I was wrong.

I had heard a rumor about a girl, that she liked me. I had never really noticed this girl before but once I knew she liked me I wanted nothing but her. She was short, long hair, cute face, I was obsessed with her. She had never smoked in her life and said she was never going to do it, she looked down on me for smoking. We had started dating and were moving very fast, I had only kissed a girl before her and it made me nervous to go to the next step. I had never felt happier, I fell crazy in love with her and never had a frown on my face. We dated for two years. I felt like my depression was gone and things just felt easier. As the relationship got more complicated we began to fight more often and things felt different. She left me because she felt like I was using her to be happy. I swore to her it wasn’t true even though looking back now it was obviously true.

I broke down, I spun out of control. I was so heart broken and I didn’t think I could live without her. I began to smoke abusively and started smoking cigarettes. I graduated by the skin of my teeth, I still think they just passed me because they didn’t want to hold me back. I had never felt worse. high school ending felt like a relief but also a nightmare at the same time.I began to go to therapy to finally maybe find the source of why I feel the way I do. I had a very good connection with my therapist and I really started to feel better.  I had gone to a party one night that summer where I had hooked up with a beautiful girl. I fell in love with her and we started dating. That was one of the best summers of my life. I stopped going to therapy because I insisted to myself that I felt better even considering my past with women. I was blinded by stupid young love and devoted most of my life to her never really giving myself anything. Just like the first time around things were great for a while but as things get complicated with me working all the time and her going to school out of the area. I felt really happy and felt like it was just going to be like that forever .Two weeks after Christmas before she went back to school she left me because she said I was using her for happiness. I had given up on everything; it took failing 4 college classes to really smack me in the face and send me back to therapy to hopefully put me on the right track.

I’ve spent the majority of the small life I’ve lived so far trying to find happiness in the wrong places. I still feel depression to this day and will continue therapy and treatment, but I’ve tried to focus on the important things in life lately even though it can still be hard like family, friends and me.

 

Depression is a disease that I have personally suffered with a large majority of my life. Ive never been able to target the reasons behind why I feel the way I do, sometimes I think its all in my head, sometimes I think its more then that. My father and grandfather suffer with depression and is a big reason why I believe I feel that way. But something like this cant be all genetics right? The glass has always been half empty in my mind, even when I feel I should be happy. I have a family that cares for me, friends and my health, but ive never truly been able to look at it from that perspective.

I was never the most popular kid in school but I wouldn’t have said I was a loser. I found it hard starting high school because of constant verbal altercations between my mother and I. I was such a brat at that age, my mom didn’t deserve any of the attitude I gave her. I fell behind in school quickly because I would play video games constantly and not put effort into school. As my grades became lower the altercations at home became worse. I started smoking pot, everyone was just getting into it and it was definitely something “cool” to do. I had felt sadness at this age a lot but I never thought much of it, I always thought I just hated school and my mom.

By the time sophomore year rolled around I was a full blown pot head. Nobody could tell me anything and I only cared about my opinion. I became egotistical and always was the center of attention, I would always care so much about stupid stuff like clothes and looking at girls. Its safe to say that my grades were not good also. I never felt happy, I was miserable if I wasn’t high playing xbox nothing mattered to me.

I had heard a rumor about a girl, that she liked me. I had never really noticed this girl before but once I knew  she liked me I wanted nothing but her. She was short, long hair, cute face, I was obsessed with her. She had never smoked in her life and said she was never going to do it, she looked down on me for smoking. We had started dating and were moving very fast, I had only kissed a girl before her and it mad me nervous to go to the next step. I had never felt happier, I fell crazy in love with her and never had a frown on my face. We dated for two years, she left me because she felt like I was using her to be happy. I swore to her it wasn’t true even though looking back now it was obviously true.

I broke down, I spun out of control. I was so heart broken and I didn’t think I could live without her. I began to smoke abusively and started smoking cigarettes. I graduated by the skin of my teeth, I still think they just passed me because they didn’t want to hold me back. I had never felt worse, high school ending felt like a relief but also a nightmare at the same time. I had gone to a party one night that summer where I had hooked up with a beautiful girl. I fell in love with her and we started dating. That was one of the best summers of my life. She got accepted into Boston university and this was really hard for me to handle because of my state and my need for someone to be in my life to be happy. We decided to stay together and work on long distance. I felt sad a lot, I would only see her on weekends and I would always cry everytime I had to leave or she had to go back. We were together for about two years, I loved her soo much. I wanted to marry her, there was no one else I wanted to spend my life with. Two weeks after Christmas before she went back to school she left me because she said I was using her for happiness.

I’ve spent the majority of the small life I’ve lived so far trying to find happiness in the wrong places. I still feel depression to this day and will continue therapy and treatment, but I’ve tried to focus on the important things in life lately even though it can still be hard like family friends and me.

 

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