Depression is a disease that I have personally suffered with a large majority of my life. I’ve never been able to target the reasons behind why I feel the way I do, sometimes I think it’s all in my head, sometimes I think it’s more than that. My father and grandfather suffer with depression and is a big reason why I believe I feel that way. But something like this can’t be all genetics right? The glass has always been half empty in my mind, even when I feel I should be happy. I have a family that cares for me, friends and my health, but ive never truly been able to look at it from that perspective.
I first started noticing this rather young summer of 8th grade going into highschool. I didn’t have a ton of friends and always felt very anxious and didn’t have alot self-confidence. I found it hard starting high school because of constant verbal altercations between my mother and I. I was such a brat at that age, my mom didn’t deserve any of the attitudes I gave her. I fell behind in school quickly because I would play video games constantly and not put effort into school. As my grades became lower the altercations at home became worse. I started smoking pot, everyone was just getting into it and it was definitely something “cool” to do. I had felt sadness at this age a lot but I never thought much of it, I always thought I just hated school and my mom. I always wished I would’ve noticed my problems around now maybe to make my life a little easier.
By the time sophomore year rolled around I was a full blown pot head. Nobody could tell me anything and I only cared about my opinion. I became egotistical and always was the center of attention, I would always care so much about stupid stuff like clothes and looking at girls. Its safe to say that my grades were not good also. I never felt happy, I was miserable if I wasn’t high playing xbox nothing mattered to me. I really started to notice that I felt depressed, I never showed it though. Being lonely and smoking pot definitely contributed to how I felt. I always thought a girlfriend would be the thing to make me happy. Boy oh boy I was wrong.
I had heard a rumor about a girl, that she liked me. I had never really noticed this girl before but once I knew she liked me I wanted nothing but her. She was short, long hair, cute face, I was obsessed with her. She had never smoked in her life and said she was never going to do it, she looked down on me for smoking. We had started dating and were moving very fast, I had only kissed a girl before her and it made me nervous to go to the next step. I had never felt happier, I fell crazy in love with her and never had a frown on my face. We dated for two years. I felt like my depression was gone and things just felt easier. As the relationship got more complicated we began to fight more often and things felt different. She left me because she felt like I was using her to be happy. I swore to her it wasn’t true even though looking back now it was obviously true.
I broke down, I spun out of control. I was so heart broken and I didn’t think I could live without her. I began to smoke abusively and started smoking cigarettes. I graduated by the skin of my teeth, I still think they just passed me because they didn’t want to hold me back. I had never felt worse. high school ending felt like a relief but also a nightmare at the same time.I began to go to therapy to finally maybe find the source of why I feel the way I do. I had a very good connection with my therapist and I really started to feel better. I had gone to a party one night that summer where I had hooked up with a beautiful girl. I fell in love with her and we started dating. That was one of the best summers of my life. I stopped going to therapy because I insisted to myself that I felt better even considering my past with women. I was blinded by stupid young love and devoted most of my life to her never really giving myself anything. Just like the first time around things were great for a while but as things get complicated with me working all the time and her going to school out of the area. I felt really happy and felt like it was just going to be like that forever .Two weeks after Christmas before she went back to school she left me because she said I was using her for happiness. I had given up on everything; it took failing 4 college classes to really smack me in the face and send me back to therapy to hopefully put me on the right track.
I’ve spent the majority of the small life I’ve lived so far trying to find happiness in the wrong places. I still feel depression to this day and will continue therapy and treatment, but I’ve tried to focus on the important things in life lately even though it can still be hard like family, friends and me.